What is disengagement?
It seems to me upon reflection it is merely a giving up.
The going is to tough, the future looks too rough, I’m not happy here right now, I’m out.
It could also be, I can’t see right now. i have been trained to always look to the past and analyze it, and then worry about the future about how the thing I want to happen can happen and all those other bad things, I hope they don’t happen…. but what if they do?
The disengagement process is predominantly in my opinion a self-destructive process. Most of the dialogue is happening in the disgruntled human’s mind.
Disengagement is a process, as is engagement. Life can be patient.
It may take time, but are we too quick to abandon the disengaged for perhaps their mere lack of resiliency or understanding to see how the experiences that challenge them provide them the greatest growth to transcend?
Have we even reached out? or are we merely not reaching out, because someone else hasn’t reached out to you before? Would this perpetuate into the future?
Who are the conscious parents in the organization ready to parent the wounded child that creates conflict in its inability to predict outcomes.
The future of business will no longer looks for the most skilled or knowledgeable in their domain to lead an organization. Leadership is an unseen. It is intangible. But can be felt from a mile, through computer screens and on print advertising. It will be posted all over social media, it is how people relate and feel about your organization. Some of it fortunately said, most of it unsaid, especially from the humans that serve your organization.
When was the last time you heard people in the office collectively talking about how people are feeling in order to unearth and deal with unspoken stuff and emotional energy that is affecting everything?
How are you and how are you feeling are two completely different questions.
Ask someone how they are feeling, and you may get an answer that falls outside of the template “good” “not bad” “okay”, “great” (but not great…)
Are we merely disengaging before we have the real conversation about how we perceive things unfolding? Can clarity be created when we dialogue about what’s challenging us?
How often have we seen challenges met with statements, “well we need to stay more positive.”
This statement is packed for the wounded.
Needs being casted on others. Expectations about how one should feel. Expectations that something should be more from someone else in order for something to be better, essentially = not enough. This statement I’ve heard countless times and to me all it says is:
“oh my god, we’re in trouble here, I know this is really bad, I can’t go there right now, it feels too scary or they might see my vulnerability, so change yourself, come on, think differently for me.”
Well, I will no longer give my power over to someone who feels they know what I need. I can feel that because I've done work around it can do that through the work I’ve done as I have regained autonomy over many areas of my life.
How could one stay positive if they have never been given a chance to view life through a positively perspective lens? Who is the other to determine what is deemed positive? Are they looking for us not to feel?
What about our feeling makes them so uncomfortable they would try a tactic to make me distracted from those things percolating in my body.
When we ask someone not to feel, what are we doing with that baggage? Are we taking it from them? Or enabling a further perpetuation of suppressed emotional energy that is creating disease in all aspects of life, from physical health, to future events, current perspectives, emotional reactions and challenges etc. etc. etc. It goes on and on until we have the conversations…
If we attract individuals to our organization and they become disengaged, what is that saying about perhaps something foundational, laying unseen, felt by all, unspoken by all.
Do we even know why or are we too afraid to ask? Do we need to ask humans? Can we retrieve this information from the collective emotional body of the organization as a whole? Yes.
What if it is in fact the leaders who set the stage to either resonate with or not resonate with values and missions we set down on paper?
Does a piece of paper that has different values than what we are energetically being, emotionally feeling, and mentally believing actually add to create more disharmony? Disharmony snowballs. So does harmony.
How can we use those powerful words to actually bring alignment back to those core values and have our human allies support us in that pursuit?
Do the employees believe in the organization? Actually? Are they employees or humans to you? A means to your profit or a means to connection and vast experience and purpose?
How many employees are just doing it for a paycheque and couldn’t care less about your success? Do some want you to fail?
Why should our success be perceived to come from the hands of others?
People’s words are like spells and we can either take them on as our own, or consciously choose not to receive the message.
WHAT CAN WE DO?
Talk about it. Feel through it. Welcome something new in. Integrate that in all holistic realms of health (mental, emotional, spiritual, physical.)
What happens when we talk about it?
We begin to see that we all hold very similar needs: Nourishment; Validation; Safety; and Discipline as was taught to me by Dawn Dancing Otter on my apprenticeship through the Alchemist PathTM International Academy of Healing Arts and Coaching.
When we begin to discuss the unspoken, we realize perhaps quickly, that our assumptions are based on our own limiting perspective lens.
When we don’t validate and road test our assumptions, they become beliefs, resentment, and if it festers enough, the pain of suppressing the pain will become too much and we are faced with an edge, which many have been taught to run from.
90% of the work is through listening to someone who deeply wants to feel held (need of nourishment.)
Holding space in a clear frame of being allows for a mirroring process to occur where individuals start to gain their own insight without something even needing to be said.
People regardless of where they are need both their pain and their freedom acknowledged (need of validation); they need a comfortable container where they are free to express (need of safety), finally they need the routine of being able to do it when they want to, perhaps on a consistent basis (need of discipline), honoured and available.
These edges are incredible opportunities to realize something new. We don’t have to accept that the patterns or the way it was is the way it always has to be.
Imagine one partner says to their spouse “This is working, I know it, I feel it, look at what happened.” And the other partner responds “yeah but that’s the way we always do it, or you’ve never done that before, are you sure you want to do that?”
This is happening all the time in Life and its no wonder we become disengaged. Our truest yearning to express is constantly being squashed by others, but created by Self.
These responses are highly limiting, but the secret is, that the partner is merely reflecting back your own internal struggle on whether you can do something or not. It is YOU who does not believe and we in our unconscious and conscious reasons need the other to reflect that back to us.
When the awareness is not there that indicates that it could be both of us that have a part in this, and I’m creating, it simply becomes a blame game where resentment festers for another destructing our dreams.
We are quick to tell others about our ideas, visions, and quick successes, but when the going gets tough can we hang on ? Can we have the discipline to wait and express our success once it’s happened?
When was the last time you shared an idea with someone who was less than enthused and that thing you wanted to do never got done!?!
This can become very disengaging as well, waiting for others to validate our experience enough so that we feel compelled to do it. Well if you felt compelled to do it, you would have done it rather than talking to 10 people about what you plan to do.
We are living vicariously through our projected feelings of what we feel “could” happen, mostly based on others past opinions.
When we explain our concepts, visions, dreams to too many people before that thing actually being done, we are spent, the experience doesn’t even need to happen. It has been created just through the “telling” to people what you plan to do. In this experience, further experience and glory is never birthed, and you will never know. Until it comes again….
This becomes a repetitive cyclical pattern that is a deeper reflection I believe of someone’s inherent worth and their confidence in their abilities as well as their inner will to move through challenges where it feels purposeful.
When the tension rises, can we step back, evaluate from a non-emotionally reactive, objective space and say these are the order of events, caused by this thing, let’s change this thing, and therefore the order of events that proceed will follow the new thing and here are some steps we can take to incorporate and integrate these changes…
The unease is where the gold is. it’s where i in my realm get excited. I love hearing the mastery and genius people have created around their wounds, the stories are fascinating. In what can be complex to an individual who is narrating what other people said and how they’re at fault, I hear an individual that wants validation. I hear an individual that is scared and may need to feel safe.
When we try to find only the experiences that will conjure positive emotions, we reject life and everything else is stifled, everything.
I believe happiness is actually our native state of being but its going to take a whole lot of feeling to make that river flow again.
thank you for reading,